What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 00:28
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She was in good health!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Put me off passion for life!!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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I had hoped to write a book about this .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I said to her
How can I get over a break up?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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We were not on the streets..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im still living with it.
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I write beautiful poetry .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So, i spoilt her more .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She married twice! .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
This is soul school!.
But, we were locked up after school.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Comes on , in middle age.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I have no regrets .
She wouldn,t have been !
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I will be 64.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was seconnd youngest,
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She found it foreign!.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But it wasn’t much.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Who then, do I blame.?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
(And it was in our own minds.)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She loved him until the end.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was scared of men, in general
I was 9 years of age.
My life is so biszare .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was very sick at this time too.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Would this be the day?
My family never makes their pension either.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He knew the spot.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I think the readers, may guess!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I don,t even have a pension.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One cannot live in the past .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
So whats the point in blame.
And i lived it daily.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I waited trembling.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
When she asked me how she looked .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
It was going to be , some day.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We all went to grammer schools
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Especially a lifetime of it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
What did i know ?
I never cut or harmed myself..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Ive learnt so much.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
All the time i was locked up.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Why did i forgive my father ?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..